January 18, 2011
The Demotion of the Mystic One
"Mystic" Dick Turgeon, XNGH 12
January 17, 6016 (2011)
We are gathered here in solemn convocation, to bestow the coveted letter "X" upon one so enlightened, so mystical, so ephemeral so as to be almost non-functional, our own current Noble Grand Humbug, "Mystic" Dick Turgeon. I would like to begin with a hymn peculiar to the history and traditions of our noble order. It is, of course, the tradition "Him"
Him, Him, Fuck Him
Now that we are in a correctly elevated mindset, I would like to enumerate the errors in judgment on the part of many which brought us to this impasse. Certainly as his sponsor, I do not exempt myself from this recitation. For it was I, who, showing somewhat less than sound judgment for once in my life, and without any allusion to price, sponsored the entry of the Mystic One into the sacred Hall of Comparative Ovations.
In the case of Mystic Dick, this Hall was part of a doins in Boulder City, held on April 15, in the year of our order, 6005. At this same event, our current Gold Dust Receiver, Vince "Luddite" Zaremski, also received the ineffable Staff of Relief. Others, including XNGH Jeff "Conman" Hayden, also provided us with monetary relief as a part of the pitiful PBCs of that doins. For a Doins to have provided our Chapter with a such a crop of studiously less-that-fully competent occifer material for the chapter seems more than could be explained by chance. Could it be the water? Could it be the location? Could it be the curse of "Big" Warren Kirk, PBC Keeper Extraordinaire and Keeper of the PBCs at said doins? Ah, who is to say? For us here gathered, we can but bow before the esoteric winds of uncertainty and chaos, and acknowledge we are at their mercy.
After surviving the Horrendous Hall of Comparative Ovations, Richard Turgeon needed an additional reference point, so that he did not fade permanently into obscurity. Provided by his wife, the handle "Mystic Dick" came to represent not only his personality, but also a fine example of the esteem with which his contemporaries held him. For "Dick" he was, and "Dick" he shall always be; a man whose head was often in the ether when sought for actual physical labor.
In the case of our soon (thank God) to be X Noble Grand Humbug, the climb from mediocre PBC to Noble Grand Humbug proves only that it is not just the water in one's toilet which can circle a drain. Our Mystic leader has proven that, given a predecessor who finds trucks more to his liking than firearms for the dispatching of wild animals, he too could find ways to provide mass gatherings in small areas.
The Mystic One ruled as Hangman over our second doins at the Techatticup Mine, as well as the 5th sailing of the Queho'st Gaurd, and most notable, the Southern Alliance 6-way at California City, where he showed his mettle by actively sitting and enjoying a large doins. Apparently enjoying the acclaim which accrued to an officer at a large doins, he held roles as Vice NGH at the Four-Way in Cal Nev Ari, and ended his year with a joint doins with Billy Holcomb last fall in Laughlin.
Mystic obviously felt that the larger, the better. I say this only so that anyone looking for advice on future doins from this oracle of opprobrium, this ascended master of mediocrity, this commander of calm deliberation on a sea of disastrous decisions, should perhaps exercise caution if, in the course of conversation, the comment "A joint Doins is a great idea" should be uttered. For Mystic has been a central part of some of our largest efforts in this area.
Mystic has brought to his reign as Noble Grand Humbug a calm demeanor and style. This is well known to all who know and tolerate him, and masks what can only de described as a truly uncaring interior.
Mystic was and shall ever be, our Twelfth Night of Humbuggery. He is the Twelfth who has worn the exalted title of Noble Grand Humbug of the Queho Posse. He is the end of the first dozen doyens of delight, debaters of detail, deliverers of denouncements, and downers of draughts. As such, he holds a special place in the history of the chapter. Let us hope he holds for many years, at least as well as he holds his liquor, and so, will those here assembled raise their drinks with me, and toast the demotion of Noble Grand Humbug, "Mystic" Dick Turgeon.
I am truly, extraordinarily, overwhelmingly pleased, to present "Mystic" with his "X" and his Demotion plaque of excellence. In fact, the only thing which detracts from my pleasure in presenting this plaque, is that I must announce our officers for the next year, and a sorry lot they be.
To begin with, we have our incoming keepers of the PBCs, a role of extreme importance for those candidates for our membership who need shepherding through the darkness which surrounds their lives. For this role we return with Richard "Wrong-way" Robinson, who I am told recently visited the new Hoover Dam bridge while on his way to Pahrump, and "Skateboard" Mike Beaman, whose exploits with a skateboard at the Mystic One's first doins as hangman has provided us with many pleasant retellings. Suffice it to say, do not trust his throwing style with flat, wheeled objects.
Entering the ranks of the Officer Corps as Grand Imperturbable Hangman is one who strives to give beards a bad name, our resident post-retirement traveler, Mike "I was just the programmer at the IRS (or Gamey)" Freese.
As Grand Noble Recorder, we have a man for whom fire is a plaything and electricity is something to be juggled at ease, John "Dante Shortpants" Dunmeier.
In the position of Gold Dust Receiver, we have none other than Vern "Elvis" Brooks. While Vern is known for his sartorial splendor in white spandex, let us hope he will keep his musical ability carefully controlled.
To assist him, we have our favorite technological adept, our long-distance officer from the Orange County Detachment, Vice Noble Grand Humbug Vince "Luddite" Zaremski.
Moving into the role of the 13th Noble Grand Humbug of the Queho Posse Mike "Lucky and a Third" Cole. We know Mike can build a monument, wrangle a location, oversee a few helpers, but now we are calling upon him to provide leadership and vision. God Help Us!
So let us again raise our glasses to the stars, and take a hearty drink, for I believe we shall need it during the upcoming year. And may God have mercy on our souls.
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